Gazing through the Lattice

Vessels of Clay

2012-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

Like glimmers of glory
Your smile came
From underneath a mask so stern
and full of fear

Like the sunrise splitting dark skies
This is what I loved most
To see laughter light your hooded eyes

Like treasure hidden in a vessel of clay
To find your joy was worth any cost
A remembrance of hope beyond loss

You were a child again
And I could see
the thumbprints of your Father on your face

I wish it could always be this way.

To see the Son in your eyes
Like buds in spring
awaiting the promises of life to bring

A day which even creation awaits
And now groans for without words

He will not be late

In His absence
I believed in this truth
When catching glimmers of glory
Hidden in you.

Before the door knobs meet once more
on your face
I wish you knew
The Father delights in you

I only saw a glimpse
but it seemed too late
and now my heart will mourn
when death has its day

But when tears are wiped away
You will not be bound by the grave

He will shout
And you will rise

That treasure of glory
hidden in clay
will now shine
and display the once hidden
life Divine

Be lifted up you everlasting doors
Let the King of glory in
And those door knobs
will never meet again

Still learning

2011-06-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Did you learn to love?

You laid down your life for them with my grace. But there is a greater grace to lay it down with joy. Love gives all. I do not serve to show love. I serve because I am in love.

Your heart is invested in them now. I have a vested interest in you. I laid down my life because of it. You did not love me then, but I loved you. Greater love has no man than this: to lay down his life for his friend. I die daily, not only for my sake, but for the sake of love. You learned to lay it down again, and again, and again. Love gives all.

I was always pleased with you. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. And you're a daughter of God. You're one of them!

Always bringing together what wants to stay separate.. it isn't easy is it? Reconciliation came at a cost after the fall. Sin created separation but true love, One life laid down, brought reconciliation. You be like those who watch for their master, letting His life being daily reenacted in yours. That my glory may be manifest all around you.
And if I be a fool, let it be for Him who loved me first, while I was still His enemy. If I be a fool, let me be more foolish than this and laid down my life and take up my cross: for One who sold all the wealth of His house for love and called it despised ;for One who set me as the apple of His eyes; His joy and long awaited prize.Jesus

New mountains, a new dance

2011-06-01T21:33:00.001-07:00

I turned twenty-five yesterday.

new mountains, a new dance.

I feel fifteen again,

this time life isn't chance.

I'm going up the mountain of myrhh,

I've made my choice.

I will get up,

When I hear my beloved's voice.

New mountains, a new dance.

My heart leaps up and down

Don't ever leave me here

Even if I'm more comfortable now

I'd rather be with You.

Just make my feet like yours,

so I can leap over mountains.

New mountains, a new dance.

I'll follow this Lamb,

wherever He may lead

He is trustworthy and pure

He is white and ruddy.

New mountains, a new dance.

Just leap, leap, leap,

down the hills, to the valley.

Don't look down,

and you'll see.

I'm here next to you,

dancing, dancing, dancing.

New mountains, an old dance.

Selah

2011-05-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

I recently saw this tweet, which quoted Misty Edwards (IHOP worship leader), saying, "Everything under the sun is vanity...so I will live above the sun." :)

I occasionally fall into my "Ecclesiastes" moods. Peter, my youngest brother, bears the brunt of it(I'm afraid it's a case of proximity- sorry Peter!).The joy of living is sucked out of my expression like dust bunnies being licked up from under our couch. In others words, it isn't pretty.

"So I will live above the sun." Selah.

This is the fear of the Lord: to know that He sees, He cares, and He responds. I desire to live where He lives, because true life and meaning comes from knowing Him. In a world that desires to inebriate me with passing pleasures, wisdom manifests itself when I start living in and for the sight of the One I love. His love strengthens me to work harder than those who are enslaved to fleeting passions. Love for Jesus compels and sustains my joy, turning every task, into an offering of love for the eyes of One.

"So I will live above the sun." Selah.

His Glory

2010-05-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.
-John Piper

That's My King

2010-04-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I love this sermon (1976) by Dr. S. M. Lockeridge, a pastor from San Diego, California. Each time I listen and/or read it, I feel like life is being breathed into my soul. Actually, my favorite conversations focus on the person of Jesus. Peter says it best,“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68). Read along or go to the link to hear the audio. Enjoy!

My King was born King. The Bible says He's a Seven Way King. He's the King of the Jews - that's an Ethnic King. He's the King of Israel - that's a National King. He's the King of righteousness. He's the King of the ages. He's the King of Heaven. He's the King of glory. He's the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords. Now that's my King.

Well, I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him? Don't try to mislead me. Do you know my King? David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handiwork. My King is the only one of whom there are no means of measure that can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of the shore of His supplies. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

He's enduringly strong. He's entirely sincere. He's eternally steadfast. He's immortally graceful. He's imperially powerful. He's impartially merciful. That's my King. He's God's Son. He's the sinner's saviour. He's the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He's honest. He's unique. He's unparalleled. He's unprecedented. He's supreme. He's pre-eminent. He's the grandest idea in literature. He's the highest personality in philosophy. He's the supreme problem in higher criticism. He's the fundamental doctrine of historic theology. He's the carnal necessity of spiritual religion. That's my King.

He's the miracle of the age. He's the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. He's the only one able to supply all our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He's available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He's the Almighty God who guides and keeps all his people. He heals the sick. He cleanses the lepers. He forgives sinners. He discharged debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek. That's my King.

Do you know Him? Well, my King is a King of knowledge. He's the wellspring of wisdom. He's the doorway of deliverance. He's the pathway of peace. He's the roadway of righteousness. He's the highway of holiness. He's the gateway of glory. He's the master of the mighty. He's the captain of the conquerors. He's the head of the heroes. He's the leader of the legislatures. He's the overseer of the overcomers. He's the governor of governors. He's the prince of princes. He's the King of kings and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.

His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His light is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His Word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you . . . but He's indescribable. That's my King. He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, and He is irresistible.

I'm coming to tell you this, that the heavens of heavens can't contain Him, let alone some man explain Him. You can't get Him out of your mind. You can't get Him off of your hands. You can't outlive Him and you can't live without Him. The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him. Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him. The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree about Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Death couldn't handle Him and the grave couldn't hold Him. That's my King.

He always has been and He always will be. I'm talking about the fact that He had no predecessor and He'll have no successor. There's nobody before Him and there'll be nobody after Him. You can't impeach Him and He's not going to resign. That's my King! That's my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well, all the power belongs to my King. We're around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but in the end all that matters is God's power. Thine is the power. Yeah. And the glory. We try to get prestige and honor and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever. How long is that? Forever and ever and ever and ever. . .

http://www.theiowaharvest.com/harvestholler/archives/000085.html

Ministry without knowledge

2010-04-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

It is possible to minister to the Lord and not know Him or have the word of the Lord revealed to you
1 Samuel 3:1-8

Dark yet Lovely

2010-04-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

One more reason I love Jesus:

The reason that loving another tends to produce pain is because of the vulnerability it produces. I love this dialogue from the book, "Hind's Feet in High Places" by Hannah Hurnard:
"To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to
become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you
not?" (Shepherd talking to Much-Afraid)
" Yes, very much afraid of it."
"But it is so happy to love," said the Shepherd quietly. "It is happy to love
even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love
does not think that very significant."

The more that another individual knows about you, the more likely the possibility that sometime in the future they may use what they know to hurt you in some manner. This isn't some pessimistic view on love, rather a result of the sinfulness of each human. In our weakness, we use the failures and perceived weaknesses of the ones we love to hurt them.
And yet, there is One who knows all my weaknesses and He doesn't use them against me. He knows my quirks and He likes them. My personality does not irritate Him-it delights Him. He never uses my failures against me even though He sees the motives in my heart (good and bad).
Instead, He prophecies of what I will be, because He sees the end from the beginning and He knows that in a million years from know, I will be walking in perfect righteousness and there will be no gap between my weak "Yes, Lord!", and my actions.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Musings from a heavy laden heart

2010-04-05T09:11:00.001-07:00

Oh how I hate the promises of nothingness
They are like a mist
They are like the grass
Here today and gone tomorrow
And yet still I run
After the mist that rises and fades
It eludes me and it's promises are deceptive
The passing pleasures of sin
They come from all around
In every circumstance high or low
In my own strength I do not trust
I lean on my Beloved alone
He will show me a way of escape
No pit too deep
No sorrow too heavy
He is my way
He is my joy
He is my strength
A very present help in times of need
Would you consume me completely
Even if I stumble or fall
You uphold me with your right hand
And I know that you delight in my way
Beacause I see that emerald rainbow above your throne
Into your arms I run.
The arms of my Father beckon me closer
The blood of your Son covers me completely
There is no one closer than you and me
I in you and you in me
Just as you and the father are one

Daniel Fast

2010-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

No meats no sweets.
Steak N' Shake.
Oh the irony.

40 days

2010-02-27T22:43:00.000-08:00

Stepping down from Facebook and so this will be my only communication with the outside world- sort of( my forty days starts March 1st...).

I've wanted to post and yet I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, so I thought I should figure that part out first.

I've been looking back on posts from days in college and realizing what a gift it was to have a Christian community at your doorstep-literally. My church is amazing, but I really appreciate meeting up with brothers and sisters because I have so little time to do it these days.

My track record in keeping touch has been pretty poor, but for all you's out there who were part of my life-- please know how BIG of a blessing you were and how much I appreciate you and think about you still even if I can't see you.

I'm taking these 40 days to get into the Word as much as possible and rid myself of that which has distracted me. Hopefully I will pick up a few minutes each day to post a blog. :) To all my peeps...Peace, Joy and Love in the Spirit..

Pleasures forevermore and joy unspeakable

2009-11-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

Do we realize what this would really look like?

Maybe we've been without true joy for so long that we would be offended by it when we see it.

It is easier to cling to disbelief. Easier to be a spectator than a participant. Easier to mask my fears with skepticism. Why? Because if we believe in that joy unspeakable, pleasures forevermore, then we have to be vulnerable to that source of joy and pleasures forevermore-Jesus.

I think it is harder to believe He's actually like that.And He's inviting us into that!

But He's encountering me right now in a way where His Words that have remained only as concepts are manifesting as truth and reality in my life.

Thank You Jesus for your grace- please, come to us, Your Body and make us believe again, that we may be one, and that the world would know that the Father sent you.

Interesting Newspiece

2009-07-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/14/world/middleeast/14euphrates.html?_r=1

Things learned at night

2009-07-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Since working 2nd shift at SNS (Steak N'Shake- for all the uninformed :)), I have had some insights concerning life:

1.) The Lord never sleeps nor slumbers.

Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
Psalm 121:4

Some of the best moments occur when driving home at 3 am, knowing that I have no one to talk to but Him- and knowing that He is listening. All my thoughts, feelings, and events in the day are exposed before Him, and because He knows my insides better than I do, it's a great time to process.

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
Psalm 139:12

2.) I've started to think about the day, when there will be no more night:

They shall see His face, and His name shall be on their foreheads. There shall be no night there: They need no lamp nor light of the sun, for the Lord God gives them light. And they shall reign forever and ever.
Revelation 22:4

Hmm...

3.)Motivation to keep going when you know everything is fading away.

One generation passes away, and another generation comes;
But the earth abides forever.
The sun also rises, and the sun goes down,
And hastens to the place where it arose.
Eccl. 1:4-5

Time is fleeting. I wake up the next day at 11 or 12, and once again go to work. It is so easy to fall into the belief that it is all meaningless. The routine and mundane create the optimum context for the human spirit to grow weary. The eternal meaning or signficance of running a restaurant seems a little fuzzy at times.

Jesus knows that. He knows my human frame better than anyone else. He knows what will motivate and captivate the human heart and mind- no matter who you are or what your external circumstances, whether seemingly blessed or cursed.

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ
Colossians 3:23-24

You want to motivate me with a reward?

Yes.

What reward?

The reward of an inheritance.

What inheritance?

My kingdom- oh and that city that I've been building and making- the New Jerusalem. It's going to be a great place.

Paul, when speaking to the church at Corinth, rebukes them in gentleness about them acting like 'mere men.' Why? There is strife, division, and jealousy concerning by which church planter they came into the kindgom.

We too act as mere men, when we allow our current position, popularity, or circumstances control the way we live. He writes,

"Therefore let no one boast in men. For all things are yours: whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas, or the world or life or death, or things present or things to come—all are yours. And you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s."
1 Cor. 3:21-23

Don't you know all things are yours? Don't you know who you are in the Kingdom? Don't you know who you belong to? This is your inheritance! That's why in the text preceding Colossians 3:23 it is written,

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

Colossians 3:1-4

Seek the things that are above- eternal joy, seeing the face of God, pleasures forevermore- oh you know, all those things we agree with but have hardly touched as reality . SET. This is intentional. Sometimes we just think we will trip and fall into the fullness of joy or understanding because we accepted Jesus. This is not true. Jesus calls us to SET our minds on things above. WE must be intentional about where we let our thoughts wander and in asking the Lord's grace to keep it on things above.

Why?
Because we died.
Because our life is NOW hidden with Christ.
Beacause when He appears THEN we will appear with Him in glory- this is our inheritance.

Yes, there is a present suffering. Yes, we grow weary. BUT- We should set our mind on where our home is, the culminating of God's story in a wedding and inviting others along the way.

Who are You?

2009-04-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

“They say, ‘If a man divorces his wife,
And she goes from him
And becomes another man’s,
May he return to her again?’
Would not that land be greatly polluted?
But you have played the harlot with many lovers;
Yet return to Me,” says the LORD.
Jeremiah 3:1 (NKJV)

I know of such a woman currently. She is dear to my heart and part of my family. I never thought that I would be able to understand this in truth and as a reality outside of the context of my relationship with God.

As I see this woman though, and the wounded individual whom she has left(granted he is not perfect or innocent) and has given her self not only to another man, but to many other men, my heart cries out to her and is broken in two. My relative says that it is impossible for him to return to her because she has already given herself to others.

So what is God saying here?!? Who but a husband and wife could understand the full implications of what the Lord is saying?

I am this harlot of course in many ways. Wandering from here to there almost daily in my relationship with Jesus. Here is His response, "Yet return to Me."

This compels me to return- His response to my unfaithfulness, His great mercy, that while I was a sinner, He laid down His life for me of His own will. I imagine Him saying, "Don't you see that I'm here for you! Don't you see? All that is mine is Yours. I'm waiting for you to return to me here. I have never left you. I will never leave you. You are mine. When you return, you will find that I am here with arms wide open. I will pick up my garments, run to you, embrace you, fall on your neck and kiss you, saying, "My daugher was lost, but now she is found."

Let us not wait to return to the Lord as a pure Bride. Let us return as the harlot and He will purify us.

Will I...?

2009-02-12T07:41:00.001-08:00

Will I seek You if You withhold the things I deeply desire?

Will I be Yours when I cannot feel Your presence?

Will I love and trust You when I am disappointed by circumstances?

I'm working my faith muscle today to grow in love in the midst of difficulty.

I am His inheritance and I'm in it for it- to the end.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

Psalm 139:7-12

Julia

His Gaze

2009-01-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

It is sometimes difficult to keep our heart in the holy place of the fire of GOd's gaze. But... it is the short path to the place of sureness of our truly being the child of God.

:)

I always knew....

2009-01-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

I always knew that God is love but I never thought that God is lover.
-Joseph from Onething 08'

At home from IHOP (Prayer, not pancakes :)...

2009-01-05T19:46:00.001-08:00

Where has the time gone? In 2 days I will start working at Steak N'Shake as a MIT (Manager-in-Training).

I'm verrryyy excited! I've had some questioning looks,and unspoken concerns that imply the question, "Why would someone with a degree from U of I work at such a place?"

I know that this is where the Lord wants me and I'm only following Him where He wants me to go. I'm finding that I care less and less about the place I'm in as long as I'm with him.

This does not negate the need for a close group of believers wherever you are either. We need other Christians because without them "I" am just a foot, or ear, or eye that is incomplete without the rest of the body parts. We need people who provoke us. I once heard a wise man say that the friend who loves you the most is the one who tells you the most truth.

I like that saying and I desire to be a friend like that.

I've been asking to see my life from the Lord's perspective lately. I complain a good deal less and being to see that everything I do matters to Him. It's funny how much we emphasize that following Jesus is about having a relationship with Him and yet how little time we take to talk with Him. I believe it's because we either think He's upset with us, or He really isn't listening. I know that is certainly true for me.

I make myself as busy as possible and start to realize that I'm not giving Him the one thing He desires: to be apart of everything I do. I'm trying to 'practice His presence.' Oh, Jesus that you would not only be apart of everything I do but that it would be all done as if I was doing it for you.

I feel like I can identify more with Abraham, who knew He was looking for a city that endured, whose builder and Maker is God. I really "can't wait" until He returns.

The Spirit and the Bride say, "Come." (Rev. 22:17)

Julia

Revelation of the Day

2008-08-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Since I've been in Kansas City, MO, I've had limited access to the internet and so I am currently writing from a friend's computer- praise the Lord!

I figure that I will start writing a revelation of the day for my sake as I look back over my time here and for those of you who are interested. :)

Revelation of the Day:
Some things are automatically given in the Kingdom; with other things, God waits until the violent ( in spirit) take it by force.

Spiritual violence is not conditional.

Blessings.

Citizen from what Country? Part 2

2008-05-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

There is a difference between living in a nation where you have only heard about your president/King/ruler and those who actually have contact with him or her on a regular basis, such as his or her wife. You may repeat what others have said about the Head/King/President of the country, but they can tell you what he did yesterday and why they did it. There is *usually* a pride and confidence that goes along in saying that you are very close to that governing force.

As Christians we are apart of a Kingdom where each one of us is offered to know our King personally. Not only are we citizens of this Kingdom, each of us are ambassadors sent from the King Himself! And not only ambassadors, but we are apart of a Kingdom where this is our King's offer: "To him who overcomes, I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne."Rev.3:21

This is a mind boggling statement!

Now I'm still in the kingdom on the earth that still is under the dominion of an evil ruler. I as a citizen of the Kingdom of God am not only supposed to tell others about the rightful King who is coming back to His home but I have the authority and power, as granted by the King, to demonstrate glimpses of that coming Kingdom.

The government will be upon His shoulder and His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, and there will be no end to the increase of His government and peace. He will order and establish it with judgment and justice of those who oppose His rule. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

Citizen from what Country?

2008-05-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

This will be one post of a series.

When you interact with a citizen of another country, you will usually note what is obvious: different dress, language,culture, and customs. You also note the omission of certain things: they may speak your language, but their syntax conforms to their own language, they do not react the same way you and others of your nation/culture do in various situations, and they may not grasp how to work within the parameters of systems that operate in your country.

Eventually though, if they spend enough time in your country, they may speak your language well enough that you don't notice the difference any longer, and they become familiar enough with your systems to operate and live in the country. They may partially or completely assimilate to your culture and perhaps apply for citizenship.

As a Christian, I am a citizen of the Kingdom of God. Not when it arrives in fullness here on the earth, but right now. I ask myself how familiar I am with the ways of the King and the Kingdom to which I belong.

How much have I assimilated to the nation in which I live, and how do others know that I am a citizen of the Kingdom of God first and foremost?

The Last Hoorah

2008-05-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. In the middle of finals. 2 papers to go. Shouldn't be writing right now, but I can't think clearly. So much to say, but I guess I'll just leave it at this:

Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

Eccl. 12:13-14

I couldn't have said it better myself

2008-03-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

So after reading this on David Sliker's blog and having stole it from Danny Hibberd, I believe that I couldn't find a better way to summarize why I study and talk about the end times. Here you go- enjoy!

By Danny Hibberd (IHOPPer)

These are the reasons why I am absolutely fanatical about all things eschatalogical:
1.The focus of the gospel becomes infinitely clearer through an end times filter. We are not saved so that God can make our lives sail by just that little bit more smoother or to stop us from yelling at our boss on Monday mornings. We are saved because there is a King coming to set up His Kingdom here on earth. The setting up of that Kingdom is the end times.

2.Similar to #1, the entire Bible is saturated with the end times. You cannot seriously study Genesis, Exodus, the Psalms, the Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes, the gospels, Paul’s epistles, the Minor Prophets or the Major Prophets without ending up neck-deep in the happenings of the end of the age. Biblical prophecy has a lot more to say about the end of things than about the beginning, or even than the interim. The Word of God has a potent bias towards the end of the age, and very nearly the entire Bible looks forward to the end of the age

3.Possibly my favourite reason to study the end times, they are all about Jesus. The end of the age and the study of this period is all about Jesus - the Revelation of Jesus Christ - remember? - and studying how and why He acts and what He will do at the end of the age allows us to delve deep into who He is. You will never find a more accessible or vibrant portal into the heart of God than in eschatology.

4.Vying for first place on my favouritometer, we are constantly exhorted to look forward to the coming age. The writer of Hebrews tells us of the ‘full assurance’ that we have as our anchor, the hope of those things that belong to salvation, the age to come, the resurrection, the eternal city. In his letter to Titus, Paul calls this our blessed hope, and what a hope it is!

5.Again tied to the previous point, this hope is not an intangible and immovable thing in the distance. Peter tells us that we can actually hasten the Day of the Lord. We are not spectators, but active participants in this, and there will come a day when the entire church cries out in unity with the Holy Spirit: “Come!” - - and even so, come, Lord Jesus! Come quickly!

6.Linked in a way to point number five is the fact that - we are not spectators, but active participants in this - and we cannot afford to be caught off guard. We are constantly told through the scripture to remain awake and alert, lest we fall into offence and bitterness, or even fall away from the faith, accepting false doctrines of more immediate comfort that salves our itching ears. If (as I believe) the church is to be here during the Great Tribulation that will come on the earth, we must take care to be prepared now.

7.I like linking my points together, don’t I? This one is a little similar to the last, in that the church is to be here during the Great Tribulation - and it will be our greatest hour. The praying church will walk in obedience with the Spirit of God, united and in agreement with the purposes of Jesus. This is something that we must pray and contend for now, not put off. Thus it is crucially important to know the time in which we live.

8.Study of the end times is classic New Testament ecclesiology. Paul taught his wards about the end of the age as a core part of the gospel (which brings us full circle to points 1 and 2). We find in Acts 17:2 that he was in Thessalonica for only three weeks, and yet his letters to the Thessalonians are packed full of eschatology. Not new eschatology; redressings of points already fed them. Paul considered eschatology absolutely foundational even to new Christians, a fact borne out by his continued dwelling on the subject in all of his letters.

9.Probably hands down the best argument: Jesus told us to. Matthew 25:13. Enough said.

10.I’m doing that linking thing again. What else did Jesus tell us? He told us that nobody knows the day or the hour of His return. So, moot point then? We can’t know, so just keep going and hope for the best? No! We do not know the day or the hour…but we will! Jesus cannot have meant that nobody would ever know, because one day, everyone will know. Maybe we shan’t know until He splits the sky. Maybe we shan’t know until a few years before. Despite this, not only can we know the season, we are commanded to know the season. In Matt 24 Jesus tells us that it is precisely because we do not know the exact hour that we must be especially prepared. We must be ready. Jesus came to the fig tree at a season when figs were not even to be expected (Mar 11:13), and because it did not yield fruit it perished. It should have known that the Son of Man was coming down the road. It did not, and so it perished. Jesus’ coming will be like in the days of Noah. What happened then? God works the same way all through history. He tells His friends, the prophets, what He is doing (Amos 3:7). He told Noah over a century before calamity struck to prepare, and then gave him an exact date seven days before the rain came. Likewise, God will share what He is planning with His friends. I plan to be one of His friends in that day, and I pray that He will confide in me.

That is why I study the end times.

Love for God and love for others

2008-03-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

Within the heart, we do not reach for one river to love God with and another to love people with. It is all the same river. My love for God is no higher and no greater than the love displayed in the weak and at-times tense moments of relating to those I love.
-Dana Candler

Over the years, I've often heard and used the term "burn-out" in relation to ministry. I'm beginning to see more and more that "burn-out" cannot find its way into my heart if I am ministering to others from a resevoir of the "secret place" with the Lord. I cannot love those in my ministry more than I seek to understand and know the Father's love for me. Otherwise, people are just encountering me- and just me isn't very good at all.

John Piper Responds to "A Common Word Between Us and You"

2008-02-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

Here it is:

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1032_a_common_word_between_us/

This is so great. :)

The Eyes

2008-02-08T14:39:00.001-08:00

What we take in through our eyes affects our spiritual capacities and capabilities (Matthew 6:22-23) There is a cause and effect with our eyes and our ability to relate with the things of heaven (Colossians 3). We need to be connected to the spirit of revelation that our eyes and ears would be awakened(Ephesians 1:17-19), coming out of the lesser pleasures of this world. I was made to see God, to hear Him, to live before Him all the days of my life (Psalm 27:4). I want to move out of dullness and into the fullness of what God has for my life. I know that there is more.

I don't want to be a professional to lip service and radical Christianity while my heart is far from God. He wants more than the external- He desires the internal - (Matthew 5:20, Joel 2:13 and then Micah 6:8). He desires for me to walk in the reality of the Sermon on the Mount which appears foolish and weak to the world.

Where is my heart? What do I give my time to? money? energy? Why does Luke 21:34 bother me so much? Why is it easier to spend 2 hours watching a movie than 2 hours with God?

But take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness, and cares of this life, and that Day come on you unexpectedly
Luke 21:34

Have you ever though about that verse and why we need to be watching, and for Who?

Writing out loud...
Julia

Pregnancy Resource Center

2008-01-26T13:49:00.001-08:00

I had my first tour of the Pregnancy Resource Center yesterday. My desire was finally realized when I walked into this humble building eclipsed by the Salvation Army store on Market St.

I sat down in the unpretentious but cozy lobby and waited for a beaming blonde haired woman to finish her conversation over the telephone. This was Greta, the Director of the PRC, with whom I talked over the phone about becoming a volunteer. She lead me into her beautiful little office, with furnishings donated by IKEA, and whose rosy pink walls helped relax many women who came there. Various photographs of babies lined her walls. Without much time and with a curious gaze, she inquired into what drove me to volunteer at a Pregancy Resource Center, amongst other choices.

So, betraying my poised manner, in eagerness, I recounted to her a story that many of you don't know.

My mother had become pregnant with me in the Autumn of 1985. It had just been a few months earlier that my father,mother,two brothers, and sister had emigrated from Poland to Boise, Idaho USA. Yes, the land of potatoes but more accurately described by its residents as a sparsely populated desert town. During this time, my mother had faced accusation from my father, that the baby growing in her womb was not his, and his aversion to having another child. He encouraged her to have an abortion. My mother, under pressure and accusation, was not sure what to do or where to turn. Not too long later, in the night while my mom slept, the Lord who loves the unborn, decided to intervene, as only He can- in a dream. It was the chosen method of divine intervention to save a life from decimation.

In the dream, my mom saw living water proceed from her womb and a charge to stand firm and not go through with the abortion. It was twenty years later that my mom retold to me the account.

As I was at Onething 2007, a woman related a similar story of waiting in the lobby of an abortion clinic and hearing a voice speak to her, saying, "Not this one." She resolved to not go through with the abortion and gave her testimony at The Call KC. During The Call we interceded for the unborn, and in my mind I wondered, "Who interceded for my mom?" Though, I can't say I'll ever know who, I know the why- the Lord loves human life, and is grieved by the abortions that daily take place here in this country as well as all around the world.

Greta exchanged with me her testimony of God's faithfulness and the events that had led to the building of the pregnancy resource center. Truly, it was amazing to hear of God's hand manuerving to have this place open and provide all the needs, precisely because it was His heart's desire. When we finished touring, my heart leapt and joyfully danced around in my chest- knowing that I had come to the right place for "such a time as this." I will be blessed to be able to pray for and counsel women who will be deciding whether to choose whether to have their babies or not, to keep them or to give them up for adoption. I will bless, because on May 31,1986, I was blessed with life.

Thank you, Lord for my life. Thank you, for Your love. Thank you, thank you, Jesus.

Julia

Just don't become a nun...

2008-01-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

The response I get from family members who find out:
1.) I'm serious about my walk with the Lord.
2.) I'm going to the Onething Internship.

:)

If only they understood how much I really desire to have a husband and children- in the future. I've discovered that one of my heart's desires is to be a mother. I desire to have children one day and lavish upon them, the love of the Lord. I desire for them to grow up and be His.

Yup.

Onething 2007

2008-01-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

Recap of those 4 precious days:
I anticipated Onething with such joy. I entered the conference with thanksgiving and praise, and as Andrew had put at our prayer meeting in Champaign the night before (something like this), "Lord we don't want anything than more than what you want to give. We are seeking what you want and nothing more." This is a hard prayer to pray. But, I resolved to enter in with that attitude. I would not seek what He gave me in 2005, I would not expect what I had received then, but whatever He desired to give me (in terms of revelation of Himself) I would be satisfied with. How many of you know that God always wants to give more than we want Him to??

Lesson 1: He loves me
In the first session, God met me in an incredible way- pouring out His love and mercy on me, so heavily that I could not help but wail at the thought of such a deep love. He told me that He had been with me at all times(Matthew 28:20) and that especially when I thought I had made my bed in the depths of hell (Psalm 139:8), He delighted in pouring out His grace, mercy, and love for me. They are the foundational words and concepts that I often take for granted.

Lesson 2: The spirit of Religion ( Eph.1:17-19)
Corey Russel( one of the teachers/speaker at IHOP), taught about something so profound and true about our generation of believers- especially in the Western world. The spirit of religion settles us into thinking that we know something about God when in reality we don't know anything about God- thinking that we have all these things figured out about Him. In fact, we are at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of a vast ocean of the knowledge of God. This can be seen by such beliefs that are secretly held by us, such as "the Bible is boring" which settles us into a false complacency that is choking the life of our generation. This was the little beef that the Pharisees had with Jesus- they thought they knew God- He didn't agree.

You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.
John 5:39-40

Lesson 3: Psalm 37:4 - Trust me
Basically, I'm called to the Luke 2:36-38 reality. I'm an Anna. My heart's desire, has been hidden for a while because of uncertainty and maybe a little shame of what being an "intercessory missionary" means. But, I'm never more certain and more open than now. I'll explain in another post more in depth. I went to the Forerunner School of Ministry information session( basically a Bible school - redefining theological education through night and day prayer). Initially, I felt a little intimidated. I have little understanding or depth in the Word of God. I don't know many many things. As fear and dread started to mingle in the pit of my stomach, the Lord refused to let me off the hook. The Holy Spirit whispered something similar to 2 Corinthians 12:9 to me and told me my love was enough for Him and that I needed to let His grace abound through me as He did through a couple of weak but sincere fisherman,a tax collector, and disciples who had no idea what was going on for most of the journey. I love how He picks from the "least" to confound the "wise" of this age. He did it once and He's doing it again. One thing I heard over and over from His heart to mine was, "do not say I cannot." I have a little Moses/Jeremiah syndrome going on - which is sinful if nurtured, and not laid down before the cross.

Lesson 4: The LORD Will-Provide
I was strongly feeling a pull to do an internship w/IHOP first. This would cost 5,000$. I also have around $20,000 in loans. Long story short- My Father will provide. He's amazing. He loves to give good gifts.

Lesson 5: The Word of God- My everything
The last day in KC we attended The Call KC. What I experienced what some of the worst warfare. Satan attacked me in 3 significant ways: my worth before the Father, the reality (and future experience) of standing before the throne room of Rev. 4 while praying (Col 3:1-2, Eph. 2:5-7, and Heb 4:16), and the foolishness of intercession.

My worth before the Father: that there was no affection there, my love was not real due to a lack of "feeling it", and the foolishness of being able to sustain this life afterward; The realities of and attainment of Rev. 4 were either untrue and everyone was being foolish (esp. during the Glory choruses) or I was not personally going to be able to experience them as demonstrated by everyone else's fervency and the lack thereof of mine; Then, the doubting of healing ( esp.relating to if I had been freed from bondages/demonic strongholds), intercession's power, and the glory of leading life in God's prescribed manner (Matthew 5-7).

Since returning, I realized that the fear was, "Can I sustain this here, apart from the conference?" Yes. But(of course there is a but), we must do our part as God does His- we must agree to read the Word especially in the wilderness season, for it to become our food because, "man shall not live by bread alone." The Word is everything. The Living Word is behind the Written Word- we must interact with Him. We have to not only agree with the principles of fasting, praying, serving, blessing our enemies, and giving(Sermon on the Mount), but actually do them! It is Christianity 101. We need to believe Him when He says, " You have ravished my heart my sister, my spouse, with one look of your eyes"-SoS 4:9.
Jesus’ heart moves with each look of devotion that we give Him. The very movement of our heart to love Him touches Him. Our obedience begins when we set our heart to obey Him, not just after we gain victory in a specific area. Thus, we can confidently receive His affectionate mercy and feel His pleasure in each step of the growth process. The glance that moves God’s heart is the gaze of loving obedience.

God really touched my heart with Song of Solomon 8:7-

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house,
It would be utterly despised.

Even though my love is weak, He loved me first and gave everything and would gladly do it again. If I am in love with Him, there is no cost and no loss. My time, energy, money- I will gladly give it and not count how much it "costs" me.

To live out this life, alive on the inside and in love with our Creator, we need to have vision and focus. Please, please, please, if you have not already, listen to Power of a Focused Life by Mike Bickle. It is an excellent resource.

Lesson 6: Not feeling 'it'

Relating to if all this is "real" and not "feeling" anything. Walking through the wilderness is not pleasant, but it is the tool of choice for God's refining fire. Even when I don't feel the presence of the Lord, I'm feeling physically tired, blah, etc... I'm defying the powers of darkness by feeling nothing but believing the Word of God. I don't need to feel anything. Feeling is irrelevant during prayer time. As we stand before the throne we must be bold and defy the thrones of darkness. In a prayer meeting, we don't check the presence of God gauge. Our gauge is the Word of Truth and the blood of Jesus- this moves angels and demons!

Praise God- Amen!

A good word...

2007-12-17T13:25:00.001-08:00

Finally, I disagree with your statement about what young adults want. I am not called to provide what they want- I'm called to preach what they need: Jesus and Him crucified. Since they also happen to want to know and pursue Him, I find myself buying into a divine order that transcends culture, age, or generational realities. Rather than making Jesus relevant to life, I find it far more satisfying to make life relevant to Jesus. If that renders me irrelevant in a few years, I'll take my chances.
-David Sliker (IHOP forums)

I agree.

The Church Fam at Home

2007-12-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

So..here's a little love note about my home church :):

Every time I come home, I'm so blessed by coming back to a church (Christ For All Nations) that is serious about proclaiming the Kingdom of God and living for Jesus. Coming home and observing my 'youth group', I am constantly challenged by their fervor to reach the lost with the hope of Christ and His Kingdom. Listening to my pastor, I am often convicted by the Holy Spirit as he preaches the Word with grace and truth. I'm very appreciative that there is no sugar coating in any way. Every thing is very straightforward and reminds me of two passages:

For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. 2 Corinithians 11:2-4

For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conducted ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom but by the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you. 2 Corinthians 1:12

Our pastor's desire is for us to know Christ and live in "the simplicity that is in Christ." The Lord has been so kind to bring me there. It is where my life was given over to following Christ and I started to an have a small glimpse of what the Kingdom of God is. Plus, since our church is mostly Russian/Slavic, I've learned some Russian in the process. It has been a blessing.

My prayer is for you to be in a church where the Gospel is not only preached in its fullness, but it is walked out with other brothers and sisters who desire to see the His Kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Abortion

2007-12-01T22:00:00.001-08:00

In a word- murder.

Will we stand with God's heart and face ridicule,rejection, and even persecution, on a 'politically incorrect' issue- even in the church? Many in the Western church and outside of it, now turn to issues facing the world- such as AIDS, poverty,human trafficking, etc... Praise God for this. Many have had a genuine burden imparted to them for these issues. I would ask though, if you are a believer,have you stopped to reflect/pray on the issue of abortion within our own country? I will not post statistics, but can we ignore the murdering of babies on our land? It is easier to ignore the unpopular, immediate within your own land, and look to engage in issues that others will gladly clasp you on the back for doing.

But I believe, that this will be a litmus test of our faith in this hour. This is more than just an 'issue.' Issues should not be our primary focus, but the pursuing of the knowledge of God, which is a much greater problem we face in our day. The truth remains though, that the there is a tie between the land, people, and God. The Lord says in Numbers 35:33:

So you shall not pollute the land where you are; for blood defiles the land, and no atonement can be made for the land, for the blood that is shed on it, except by the blood of him who shed it.

After praying about this some more, I've realized how Lou Engle has been raised up by God to Call the church from all over the country to come and repent on behalf of the Church, the nation, and for ignoring this issue ( for more info., feel free to ask).

Back in May 07', Lou Engle called churches all over the US to start a 40 day fast for our nation's repentance and for abortion's end. My church participated and also started praying for the ending of abortion.

When I came home for Thanksgiving break, I talked with godly woman from my church who started talking about what had been happening since The Call. Since that time, 4 women have become pregnant at my church(Taisha the woman I spoke with is one of them). All of these women already have previously had 2 or 3 children many years ago. This seemed a bit odd, but with some prophetic insight( as Taisha would have :)), she began to say that it seemed as though our outcry in the spiritual realm (prayers), against the murder in this land,was being reflected in the natural. The Lord is responding with Life (these pregnancies)to the death (abortions) that is taking place daily.

Deuteronomy 30:15

See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil...

More to come..

God in His kindness- Exposure of the Heart

2007-11-23T21:27:00.000-08:00

During this break, I've been seeing God putting me through what James has so lovingly put as this:

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James 1:2-4

More than ever, I realize He has been trying to teach me that I have no good thing apart from Him, and He died for my heart- which is wicked.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

It isn't that I'm just growing into His likeness, but the situations He places me in expose the anger,jealousy,lust,self-love,short-temper,and all sorts of nasty stuff. It is His kindness which lets me see what controls me beneath the surface. I either speed the process along by the fasted lifestyle(voluntary weakness), or resist it if I'm not actively pursuing the Sermon on the Mount. Either way, there will be trials.

My reaction more often than not,has been self-justification and vindication. I refuse to stand in the face of false accusation, or say perhaps that the accusation is only 2% accurate. I don't know how to be silent. I don't respond in meekness. I marvel more and more at this passage:

10 Then Pilate said to Him, “Are You not speaking to me? Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?”
11 Jesus answered, “You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above. Therefore the one who delivered Me to you has the greater sin.”
John 19:10-11

Whoa. Just meditate on that passage for a second.

Little creation to Creator: Don't you know I could put you in your place?

Jesus' answer? Why does Jesus even answer? At this point, He could have been like, ok, enough with the fallen humans thing- Plan B- wipe them out. Wouldn't that be a human reaction? Instead, He replies with meekness and goes to the cross.

I don't know my God- I don't know the depths of His mercy, or kindness with me. That's why I'm not merciful or meek in those situations.

Accusation hurts the most when it comes from family or those close to us. I insist on my rights (pride) and so, my tongue runs to justify my actions,who I am, etc...

6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.
James 3:6

"I am not like that! You're wrong, that's not why I did this.."

Why can't I wait on the Lord to justify and vindicate me? What is so hard about this? I don't know who I am to Him. This anger just rises up underneath. I've seen this over and over again- especially with family. In Allen Hood's sermon on meekness, He says that many people expect that when they come into the body of Christ, they will be "bumped" less by people. He debunks that myth and says if you are maturing as a follower of Jesus,when you get bumped in the body of Christ, you won't react with anger,pride, etc...but with meekness.

It's painful.

That's just the truth. I have yet been able to "count it all joy."

He initiated this relationship not because He knew I was strong or I knew how to love Him, but because He loves me. He has given me His SPIRIT as the seal, the promise. The Spirit within me can love whom I cannot. The Spirit within me can produce, "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." The Spirit rejoices when I finally say," I'm going to choose YOU over myself." I no longer live this life for myself, but for the Son of God by faith through love.

Here's what keeps me going- I will be made perfect and complete lacking nothing, be dressed in white linen garments, enjoy a wedding feast with the Bridegroom God and in the end, I'm going to see Him face to face. This is my exceedingly great reward. The meek will inherit the earth!!! For now, I hear the cloud of witnesses cheering me on to run the race and the Spirit within me saying,"I love you. These situations are my kindness. Don't resist me. This is the necessary exposure of the heart"

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great.
Psalm 18:35

Being a wife

2007-09-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

So often as I think about my future as a wife, my heart begins to race and what comes to mind is a fiery love. What I often don't think about, but what came across clearly in my devotions today, is submission in marriage. A revelation- I will only submit to my husband as much as I am submitted to Christ. This is indeed a scary thought- especially concerning where I am now in life. Ephesians 5:22 says,

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husband as you do to the Lord.

This naturally leads to the question, "How am I submitting or to what extent am I submitting to the Lord?" I am well aware of areas in my life that are not submitted to the Holy Spirit. It encourages me to know that God is working in me now and being gentle by letting me be single. What does submission look like? Galatians 2:20 says,

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Here's the focal point- before I surrender, before I do anything, I must remember what He has already done- He has first loved me!

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
-1 John 4:10

Friends, this is our God- this is good news. He is the greatest romantic. You desire a romance to live out, to die for? Well, He's the orchestrator of the greatest romance in all of history that will culminate in a wedding.

Once I understand this, my submission no longer becomes submission flowing out of obligation/obedience (though “Obedience by faith” or obedience without feeling God’s presence is still required in God’s Word. In other words, we must continue to obey God when we do not feel like it. Amen!), but submission which flows out from a love that is

as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house,
It would be utterly despised.
- Song of Solomon 8:6-7

The reward of a lover is the power to love. A lover does twice as much as the worker and does not care for any reward except for the power to love. Do you know what happens when the worker becomes a lover? They throw away the check list! The lover does not need a check list.

God’s love in us is as strong as death: Nothing escapes its grasp. Nothing in the natural realm escapes the power of death. Its grasp is comprehensive. So also, God’s jealous love will not allow any areas of darkness to escape its grasp. It is “as cruel as the grave” or as demanding as death.

If we do not feel loved and in love, then we more easily compromise, lack courage and become spiritually bored.

Jesus wants to reveal Himself to us as more than our savior (forgiver), healer and master but as the jealous Bridegroom God who will not relent in His pursuit of us until He has all our heart.

Friends, God wants you and me- yes, a sinful, broken people, and church, to be His Bride. The disciples were sincere but yet still spiritually immature. Jesus’ affirmations of love were spoken to weak believers that He knew would betray Him that very night (Mt. 26:31). They would feel great condemnation and shame. God felt great passion even for these ambitious immature young apostles who would betray Jesus that very night. Jesus knew that the only thing what would stabilize them was by knowing how God felt about them.

This the strongest revelation that can touch the human heart. This gives me hope. This gives me courage. More than that though, I begin to fall in love with a King who so passionately loves me.

Lord, prepare me to be a bride.

Soccer - teach me please

2007-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

So, I've just started playing soccer with a random group of people, (on MWF at 6am-let me know if you if want to come along and play!) although some good friends are mixed in there. I don't really know how to play... a.k.a. I have no skills. While at home, my goal is twofold:

1.) Train my feet for speed
2.) Learn how to do something other than kick the ball.

If anyone has any tips for quick learning, let me know!

Brian Johnson at the Call Nashville 7.7.07

2007-08-03T06:43:00.001-07:00

Where You go, I'll go

Whoaa how He loves us..

2007-08-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

After The Call and IHOP-KC, I find that these might have possibly been the hardest weeks of my life thus far. I fell into a spiritual complacency coupled with intense spiritual warfare at home. I feel like I know absolutely nothing about who God is.

I think I listened to both the 2005 and 2006 One thing mp3s and tried to put the fear of God in me by the very listening ( it didn't work very well...lol). My mentality of who God is and if I should or could approach Him once again came from the lens of a sinful world and not a renewed mind. I always fall back to an earning mentality in which I perceive God as angry with me in my 'unspiritual' state and me in need of doing things to please Him. I dangled in between- in between knowing that I was in the worst state of my life and knowing that Jesus is my only hope- the hope that I did not go to.

I went to visit family and saw a lot of religion and little actual knowledge of God- a reflection of my state which put me to shame. I couldn't open my mouth to talk about Jesus -even when I knew that those who haven't seen or known what He has done in me since my senior year of high school were and are desperately in need of His life giving water. When you're in love, there's no need for you to make a conscious effort to talk about that person- it comes naturally. My love was fading away. I was a coward. After being at the lowest point of knowing how undeserving of Him, I felt like He was waiting to welcome me into His arms and ruin me once again, understanding that His love is more extravagant beyond anything I could try to earn, and to try and do so shows how little I still know about the lover of my soul.

Here is a song that has touched me. It's amazing what singing can do. I've started singing again- songs of love to Him, and my heart feels more alive than ever. God whispered into my ear the power of music- Ephesians 5:18-19:

18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

If you get the chance, listen to this song-
http://youtube.com/watch?v=l0FSMruxIFw

Lyrics:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane - I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware
These afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me

oh, he loves us so -
oh how he loves us
how he loves us so
yeah, he loves us- whoa how he loves us
whoa, how he loves us, whoa how he loves
we are his portion and he is our prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
if grace is an ocean - we're all sinking
so heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way that he loves us

~How He loves us, John Mark McMillan

2:30 a.m. - when you should be sleeping but...

2007-04-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

I know. I should have been in bed. If I laid down, I would instanteously fall asleep.

I won't though. I feel like there is a raging torrent going on between the flesh's desires and the Spirit's desires in my life.

I'm sick of the flesh.

I'm sick of the world.

I want something real, the only thing of substance that can be offered- I want God.

There's a choice ahead of me and it seems like the enemy is attacking full force. Persecution is better than freedom and comfort-those lead to apathy, the other leads to a sharper understanding of Jesus and His unbelivable love by going to the cross.

Jong talked to Christine and me today before going out to witness to people in the Union. He briefly mentioned missions and how we tend to feel sympathy for our brothers and sisters in persecuted countries, when instead, we should be experiencing envy. They experience God's powerful presence, preach the gospel and signs and wonders follow- complete dependency upon God's power- they are slaves of Christ.

Sometimes I think I act more like a slave of the "cares of this world" and my material possessions than my One True God- Jesus.

Why is it that gluttony is the acceptable Christian "sin" here in America? Why is rebuke and exhortation so uncommon- fear? Letting myself understand that I'm a sinner and in need of help does not depress me, but frees me from being a slave to sin and alive in Christ.

I speak more than I do. Whitewashed tomb. Repentance.

Lord- give me a hunger and thirst for righteousness and your word.

So easy to state theology, so hard to live it.

I need to read the Bible more ( revelation) and to be 100% obedient when God calls me to it- what I mean, is that I want to not only be a hearer of the Word, but a doer.

Amen.

-Julia

What is in a day?

2007-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

I posted exactly 2 years ago on this day. I'm still blessed with God's gift of singleness today and I can clearly see His hand shaping and molding me to prepare me for the next season. I'm more in love with my Savior than when I first kneeled by His cross- only because He is revealing more of His love for me ( 1 John 4:19).

This is His day. His love can be seen in Champaign right now through the beauty of holiness - the white snow- a representation of His purity and power. The wind enveloping and furiously pushing me as I try to navigate through the streets- a sign of His relentless pursuit in this journey.

My friend John Ramser is a gifted poet by the grace of God and posted this poem in the morning. It hits home. We love you Lord.

Where can I find the place,
where I may finally see Your Face?
A Face so gloriously bright,
that all the world may see It's Light,
but over head the rolling cloud
acts to cover It like a shroud.
When may I see Your Face of Love,
where it may not be concealed there above?

My Child, you have only to look to the trees,
there you will see Me in their fluttering leaves.
You have only to look to the oceans wide.
My Love is as constant as the evening tide.
As sure as the sun in the morning will rise,
My Love for you reaches beyond the skies.
Come to the cross where I have taken away your sin.
When you find Me there, a relationship with Me you will begin.

This is the location of that place,
the place where you will finally see My Face.
Look no farther than your heart,
For in it, my Glory will cause the clouds to part.
Of all the trials in life, please do not fear,
but open your heart to hear Me, and know I am near.
Draw near to Me and see My Face,
and know that I your God will bring you home, to a better place.
-By: John Ramser

May God's Hased be made known to you all today!

In Christ

Julia

Just me

2007-02-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

Pride

2006-07-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

Amazing! It is amazing how prideful I am. The levels and depths seem to be unknown to my own understanding. My mom has a good way of revealing my pride- by pointing out things in my character in which she would like me to be more Christ-like in. I of course believe that I have attained such progress in my character, so, why should she be criticizing me? Me! The humble Christian. ha.

I suppose the Lord really knows what He is doing when He gives you parents. They tend to reveal what you would like to remain in the dark. They also know you better than you believe they do. They have good observation skills. Observe is an interesting word. Ob- to see and serve- to work for. So what do you get? To see and work for. So in essence, they are obing - seeing, to serve- work for us. :) Hard to believe sometimes eh? lol.

Untouchable

2006-06-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

You ever feel like you are catering to an image? What a funny question, eh? lol. Funny because when I write at times, my writing is being subconciously monitored by my own censor of what I want others to see ( of course that isn't happening right now :) - why would I be writing about it then, eh?).
Moving on.
I'm untouchable. That's right. Is it logical to run away from love? To have a fear of love? Maybe it isn't love itself but the process of love. Maybe I just runaway from guys. They have cooties after all. That's all for now folks.
-Jules

Speaking.

2006-03-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

10 Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.”
11 So the LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the LORD? 12 Now therefore, go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say.”
Exodus 4: 10-12

I read this commentary * I revised a bit- wanted to add in my own commentary:)*:
God sometimes chooses those as his messengers, who have the least of the advantages of "enter anything you wish", that his grace in them may appear the more glorious. Christ's disciples were no orators *see Luke 9: 28-36* haha, till the Holy Spirit made them such.

Why do I pick speaking in specific? I'm not very articulate as many of you know. I can't teach well. I'm very vague. My thoughts make sense to me, but once they start rolling off my tongue, there seems to be mass chaos which leaves me wondering why I even started talking, and generally accepting the fact that the receiving party is giving me the confused, but sympathizing look- "You didn't make much sense there, but I really hope that you can understand what you wanted to say." lol.
Why am I frustrated with this? I guess I'll have to figure that one out.
I just hope that God can use this slow tongue to glorify Himself :)
Jules

it's been a long time...

2006-03-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

so. Here I am once again. I bet you expect some impartation of wisdom ( as always when you read a blog under the username of J-to-the-ulia). Truly I am sorry to dissapoint you. No wisdom here- just fanciful musings.
Much has changed since the last post- as you would expect.
It seems as though whenever we're faced with a new tibit of revelation that should impact us, all of a sudden we are hit with 10 more, and there isn't enough hmm..time maybe? (though that doesn't seem to be the right word)- to absorb it. Then there are the dry seasons. You can guess how those look- pretty dry. Nothing. Nada. It is as if the doors have been shut, the switch has been hit, and you are sitting alone in the dark wondering how you were catered into this room in the first place. In the times of revelation, it seems as though my heart is bursting and I want everyone to know everything ( though whether I truly know what I'm talking about is questionable). When I'm in that dark place though, it would seem that you would want a hand to reach into the darkness and pull you out. Or even for someone else to just sit in that darkness, even if they're really hiding a flashlight in their coat pocket, knowingly and patiently waiting to help you see once again. I think though that unless someone immediately knows when you've been taken into the dark room (lightbulb goes off!) and tries to pull you out or sit with you, you start to resent the darkness, but cling to it as well, refusing to let anyone else in with their well hidden flashlight. All I know then is that only the True Light can dispel the darkness. Of course it is the natural reaction (and common misunderstanding) of that flashlight bearer to misunderstand why the person in darkness would want to stay there- and refuse to accept help from their flashlight. "Ridiculous"-they say. "What a fool!"
What needs to dawn upon flashlight bearers though, is that sometimes, we don't want a flashlight! Yes, dare I say, we don't need a flashlight! All we want is the source of Real Light because it is the only thing that will vanquish all the darkness.

Now if that made any sense to any of you, jolly good show. If not- try reading harder. lol. :)
cheerio!

take a look inside

2005-12-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

It's 12:45am. I have 2 finals on Saturday. Perfect time to post. Yargh! So much has gone on this semester.

Joy,nervousness,hopelessness,laughter,pain,love,..a million things that wouldn't matter without Jesus.

He has been faithful. What an amazing way our Lord chose for us to express grief- water pours out of the corners of our eyes, off our lashes, and slowly rolls down our cheeks. Crying. It has been a companion to express many things this semester, and will continue on with me. I find though, that at the spilling of those tears, humility begans to beckon me and draw me to my knees, seeking my Savior's love. To seek Him out, and know what He desires for my life, holds more weight than anything.

I trust that He will lead me along straight paths. Whether that's the grade I have on my Accy final, or the man I will marry. I feel like Martha sometimes..frustrated with the task before me, and unable to see that which matters most- isn't it unfair Lord, I ask. Only one reply comes? "My dear Julia, you are so upset over all these details! There is really only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it- and I won't take it away from her." -Jesus *Luke 10:42*

Before I begin...

2005-11-05T03:08:00.000-08:00

A shout out to my Lord and my God- thanks Dad, for everything you do.
I had a crazy, and boy do I mean out-of-this-world day! It began with not going to my 9am class. Really, I don't believe I had the intention of going after I was fully awake, but thanks to my good friend Erik, the day was saved with our homework being given in- woot! I did go to my 10 o'clock though. Hist 247 - Medieval Europe. Interesting. Teacher fairly quirky. Not bad. If you ever need to take a class, this one would be good. :) I didn't fall asleep- Glory to God. Yippee! As of late that had been a problem, but evidently, when you sit in a chair straight and don't slouch, things work out pretty well.
After this, I checked some mail, had lunch with a few good men ( seriously, Kimbo and I need some more ladies here...we're surrounded by men constantly- we love our brothers,but come on, where's the female bonding- Becca? Rachel? Emily? :)
A whilst lunch was over, I went to work from 2-5...interesting discussions w/supervisor, employees w/ interesting ideas- more things to pray about.
I hopped out on to Barton for the discipleship with Jonell and Kimmay :) It was a great 15 min girls!!! Yea for prayer!
I then raced from Barton at 6:13 to meet Deepak at Locust and Daniel. Now, since I'm extraordinarly gifted in running ( this is debatable- but I'm sure you will lose ;))
I arrived at 6:17- a mere four minutes- now, I might be delusional, but that's some great timing.
Deepak had made dinner Indian style and we ate w/our right hands - interesting and tasty! Good talks and direction that the Lord imparted on me from there.
Lately I've been, well, for a while actually, struggling with where the Lord wants me to be at- home or school? It is interesting how I believe that I just happened to be at this school out of my own choice :) The decision I have been guided to - Praise God! - I'm staying!!! That's right- you are going to have more time to enjoy with Julia- a girl from Idaho who believes she's an immigrant and loves to talk about this guy called Jesus- believe me, I'm envious of all you peeps out there. :)
So, after this, we went to CFC at Wesley Foundation, which was a great blessing. The sermon was about anger. Bad anger stems from our self-love, while righteous or good anger stems from our love for people and God. How awesome. Now, if you know me, I can get a little hot-tempered. I realize that much of this has not been worked on, and God has fantastic timing in the transformation business. Now, if you deal with bad anger, deal with it to the point where it the anger becomes redeeming love-( the death of Jesus on a cross should give you a good example to reference). I realize that holding on to some of our previous "old skin", gives meaning to our identity as who we were. All we need to know and believe with our hearts is that God is giving you a new identity- His child. After all, it is "not to us, but to your name be the glory" I want to hear the mountains tremble and dance for God like the child He has made me to be.

wow

2005-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

I waste much time. I thought coffee was supposed to help with staying up, not make you hit rock bottom at 11:30pm. -or maybe it was both? I need to stop drinking coffee..and start exercising (not sure what area of exercising I really enjoy though)...and a billion other things.
What about chocolate is good? everything- ok, maybe not white chocolate..wait, chocolate and coffee..is there a connection here? :) So, what I really need to do is focus.
Ok, so...I spent the last hour or so reading blogs from people I went to grade school with- weird time warp thing. It just kind of hit me in the face like a basketball (this has happened before). I don't know what to think- all I know is that so many people think that they can be fulfilled by things that are only destroying them, leaving them looking for the next best thing- I know, I was once there. I've lived in a 2 or 3 places in my life (from the south side of chicago to prepville to middle of the road/diverse city..and now here) and it is strange to see all of it categorized and organized into certain slots..even my memories are organized! :) haha. Oh man..I sure hope I'm making some sense.
So, my 'best friends' birthday is coming up. I feel so...argh..can't describe it. It hurts because we've grown so far apart. I still love her. I just can't..can't be the same. He makes all things new. I can never go back, but if you ever read this M, I really do love you and hope that one day you'll come to understand what happened and why. He's the reason I live, I breathe. My moments are counted by Him. He redeemed me. But not just me..everyone needs him- yes, you too.

being bold...surrender

2005-10-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

Lately all I can think about is the way to escape to Mission Year. Perhaps my parents don't need to know after all, eh? What silliness, informing your parents of where you will be for a year of your life. (no, I am not going there as of yet, but I'm mulling over it w/the Lord):0
I am trying so dearly to hold on to worshipping and living out my love for my Lord. It used to be darkness without Him. Now I live my life in likeness and I've found the light. I really want to be more open about all this. I want you all to know how much I love Jesus!! Yes, he turned my life around from a drinking/promiscuous, broken, lost, depressed, girl to one who is trying so hard to live for Him. I have problems still..sin that is in my life..oh Lord! forgive me on this, but I need to move on and let Him deliver me. I hold onto so much guilt at times, from lies,lust,hypocracy,self-loathing...He found me in the weakness, broken and came to me in kindness and now I live!!!! The world can't take away His love, His truth. I came to this...no matter what, His love and truth are always there. I'll give my life for Him, for all He's done - in anyway. If he could take me, from what I was, to making me more like Him, think- nothing is impossible for Him. You don't have to beg and plead Him for your friends- He knows your every thought- He listens because He wants to- He works because He loves us.

I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer. I've realized after talking with a good friend that I too, lack in many ways in that area. Talking with God isn't an exercise or mandatory time during the day, but it is talking with the Creator!! How can we, mere mortals even fathom this? (yes, mere mortals :)I find that at times there are things that I just want to fill up on and know, conciously that they will never do the trick, but go ahead and do them anyhow. When will I let living water quench my thirst? When will my soul cry out and say, "Enough!" He is enough. I find that trying to fill up on things is when I start to look more at myself, my thoughts aren't where they are really supposed to be. Jesus gave us the two greatest commandments, once you start practicing those more, you see more of yourself without really trying to look. First I have to realize that God loves me just as He made me...no, even if I wanted to change, even if I thought I'd be more this or that, I'm perfect in His eyes, knit in the womb..why can't we see this? Made in His image, we are beautiful..saved by His son we are as white as snow, filled with His Holy Spirit we are led into truth. I want to see myself as He sees me..lets try this out..shall we? His love will lead the way...follow the leader...give it all up, take up the cross!! Lose your life...I'm trying to be a loser, trying to hate my life...help me Lord..

Hillsong-Always
Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

ok, so here's a little something

2005-10-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this a lot... and I mean, A LOT. What exactly does it mean to live this transformed life? That may seem silly, but actually, I'm not too sure. I see people who say they are a Christians, swearing, doing other ..stuff, and I wonder, where do you draw the line? If we try to honor and do everything to the glory of God, does that include the music you listen to, the movies you watch, etc...? Of course most of us would say yes, but where is the line? In Phillipians it says, "8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. " And in Colossians it also talks about putting our minds on things of above and not carnal things. Or where it says to separate ourselves from this world, to be in it, but not part of it..does that include not listening to something that isn't praising or glorifying our Lord? I'd really like to know what you all think about this..the separation between secular and Christian...I have my own thoughts, but I'm interested in others...for now I must go, but I will continue at a later time...

the resume

2005-09-22T00:47:00.000-07:00

ok...so, being in business..well-it's thrilling..and as a couple of people told me today "You are such a nerd." Yay..except I'm not..I'm a business thug ( see facebook pic). Anyhow, my friend Josh Bickford today was telling me how when we get into this business mode, we start to use big techinical terms and think we are smart..and once we are in the mode, we apply it to everything. For example, he said we should have lunch/dinner sometime. I agreed and pulled out a sheet of paper to schedule our dinner(this was after the business career fair). He then proceeded to point out that he lives on the same floor in the same building as I do- and that I can walk over and just tell him when I want to go. Haha..that might not be funny to you, but it was funny...well, situationally funny at least. Ok, so, the things I learned today? God doesn't care about your resume- he has good plans for ya :) I love Him...and trusting in Him...and if He had a resume..it would go something like this

The Résumé of Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus
____________________________________

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my
resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart.
Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications
* I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)

* I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
* I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
* I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
* The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through
me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
* I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
* I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or
disrespectful.
* My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew
3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences
* Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor
to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free,
healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them
that
are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
* I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to
me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
* Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse
you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background
* I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and
understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
* In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See
Colossians 2:3).
* My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto
your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
* I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms
44:21).

Major Accomplishments
* I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all
times, (See Genesis 1:26).
* I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).

* I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them
openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
* I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!

* There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here.
You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE.
You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References
* Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine
healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural
guidance

In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate
uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In
summation, I

will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into
everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence,
(See
Hebrews 3:15).
:) -Craisin

For to

2005-09-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to "for to":
Foreign people like for to.
I am foreign person.
Well, not really, I'm Polish.
For to! You like for to aliens?
In America you for to call aliens?
I for to the Department of Illegal Immigrants...all for to slow...I never get green card!!!
America is land of opportunity, no?- for to?
My life be like for to?
In college, I go for to class and no understand for to profesor!
Nic nie mozna zrozumiec...Jestem Polakiem w Ameryce. Lubie tu mieszkac, chocasz nikt nie rozumni polski jezyk.
For to/!!
- I need for to Bible study now...for to Jesus :) lol

Viewing Julia

2005-09-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

So long since I've visited you my old friend. Funny how you could be a friend. I guess it isn't the actual dusty computer on which I type, but the mind which longs to free itself through the tapping of a few fingers on a few keys.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm so vague with people about my life...is it fear? rejection? Or am I cultured in that way- family influence? Hard to comprehend. I grew up with 3 brothers and 1 sister. Now, I would say that it is prime for someone to grow up around tons of people constantly, to be extroverted. That doesn't necessarily lend itself to being open though. I didn't have much anyone to do that with. My sister was 8 years older and dealing with the agony of being an adolescent :) lol- I'm not sure she would understand the plight of someone so much younger. I hung out with my brother Mike who is 4 years older-closest to my age, but being my brother, there were obviously many things I didn't feel I could divulge in him.
As for friends when I was younger, I can say that there were too many times I was betrayed, forgotten like yesterday's news, or left for something better. Lemme tell ya...it didn't help me in the long run.
I know God has blessed me with some extraordinary gifts- like listening. so humble of me right? lol...seriously though, I feel that is the way I show my love for others- I listen to them- not because I'm obligated to, or because I want them to finish and hear what is on my mind, but because I truly value what goes on in a life that God has designed for such great things. I want to weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh. I guess that's why this tapping of a few keys actually gives me the sense of this "friend". I can say anything and everything, and it doesn't need to speak back (it can't:) lol) but it listens in a sense, by letting me write it all down anyway. Sometimes I feel like the lost sheep, waiting for my shepherd. He already knows what's on my mind- what is bothering me, and yet he allows me to speak anyway- feeling my pain,and my joy. Even though He is a king, he treats me like his friend. He listens-what more could I ask for?
-Jules

needing some Shalom

2005-07-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Josh, Kim, and I went to visit Erica. The visit wasn't too long, but when I saw her, I was so glad that we had come. She was herself, and so,..normal. I pray that if I was ever in her situation, that I too would rely on the strength of our Lord. I guess at first, I was angry. Why!?!- I scream. Hasn't she already suffered enough? But, praise God, that he has spared us the sorrow of losing her. Her life was given to her by our Lord. For that, I am extremely grateful. I was speaking to my mom about it today, and the song Blessed Be Your Name came on.."you give and take away.." and indeed the Lord does. His will. I won't ever understand. I will accept though. In trying to relate a story to His will, my mom told me about her devotional yesterday, about Jephthat's Vow, -quick rundown-
Jephthat, a judge, asks the Lord for victory over the Ammonites, and vows to give the LORD the first thing that comes out of his house and greets him on his return in triumph- to sacrifice it as an offering. As it happens, the LORD gives Jephthat victory, and the first thing to greet him is His only child- Mizpah-his daughter, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy. He then tears his clothes in anguish, and cries out, "My daughter! My heart is breaking! What a tragedy that you came out to greet me. For I have made a vow to the LORD and cannot take it back."
She replies, "Father, you have made a promise to the LORD. You must do to me what you have promised, for the LORD has given you a great victory over your enemies, the AMmonites. But first let me go up and roam the hills and weep with my friend for two months..."
Can you possibly imagine that? Like, why, why my only child, my daughter! You give and take away. And so, though I might not understand it, I will surely receive His will, in any way he decides to give it. He sees the bigger picture right?
In the long run, the Lord is making me realize, how truly blessed I am, even in the most minute of details in my life.
One day though, we will stand renewed with Christ. We have hope! Even in a world full of crazy beans. So where do we put our hope oh LORD!?! Are only hope is in you. Thank you for your son, who has been there, suffering and all, and knows the extent of everything, the only one who truly understands..
But this precious treasure--this light and power that now shine within us--is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10
So, Keep on praying for our Sister! :) Night...
-Jules

Jeremy Camp - I Still Believe
From the album Stay

Scattered words and empty thoughts / seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before/ seems I don't know where to start
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness / I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word / even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind / with promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind / It's my heart I see you prepare
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness / I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word / even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into your arms / where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me / Help me to know you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness / I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word / even when I don't see, I still believe

4th of July

2005-07-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

Ah, I haven't posted in over a month..I think there were times when I would consider posting, and then reconsider. So many things happen on a daily basis that it is hard to condense.
I was, for a while on the "Christian Rollercoaster". The summer seemed to start with struggles with sin and temptation. I heard some say that the freshmen year back from college would be tough, and tough indeed it has been. Have you ever been in a sin and repent cycle. Well if not, let me explain. It is one where you proceed to sin, and then repent of that sin, and it becomes a cycle. Lol..I am awesome at explaining. Anyhow, yes, and this struggle, made me feel like the biggest failure. I have been in my walk with the Lord for little more than a year now, and at times, I feel like the Corinthians to whom Paul is speaking, saying that we should stop going over the basics of Christianity. I kept asking, is it possible to overcome? Truly, why do I do this...the things I hate doing, and yet I do them! Ah, how apt Paul was at describing my sinful nature (supposedly because he too has one..). So, at church (which there is much to say about) I heard this one sermon on overcoming sin, and how Christ has broken the chains of sin! We are dead to sin!!! Tell me, does a person pinching someone dead, have any effect on the dead? Of course not! They don't feel it..they are dead to it...as we are to sin! :) Amen..after that sermon, I realized something...again. :) In Christ we have power! We have authority on this earth. So many of us go on living in this attitude of defeat..as if the battle cannot be won. We know the war is won...and yet, our battles, can they be overcome too! Yes! And now you might be like, yes, yes, Julia I know this...and I know the Lord can do tbis and that. This frustrates me I must say...it is the difference between saying, I know a lot about God, and I know God. The first is certainly not the same as the second. Perhaps I am the only one who needs the Word pounded into me again and again to help me with struggles, sin, pain, etc.., I am not all knowing, but go back to that which has helped me time and time again..perhaps that is just me, though I certainly doubt it. Ok, so that was thick with sarcasm, but come on!
Moving on, there was another sermon :) about capturing every thought for Jesus, and not allowing yourself to entertain any sinful thoughts..I must say, at the beginning of the day, when I ask the Lord to take control of all my thoughts, it becomes less difficult to do so.
Ah, and the next seromn was amazing, about Hebrews 11 and how there is the Faith Hall of Fame in there..you know,Abraham, David, Noah...etc. And it says that they did not receive completely what they were promised by God, and they will not do so until we complete their work! Wow...yes, and so, they are in fact up there, cheering us on! Telling us to keep on walking in the fire of our consuming God..to keep that faith each day. Noah did it for a 100 yrs. which just baffles me! I know some of us our are fired up after a day and it continues onto the week and then we are like, oh man..tiring..attacks..problems..faltering..which we all do have and will be having in this world. But inspite of that, imagine walking in the fire of the Living God each day. :) Radical by nature? I hope so.
Whew, ok, so...latley, God has been giving me these amazing insights and His Holy Spirit has really been working..I couldn't sleep last night! That is how powerful His presence was. Prayer people! It is amazing.
Also, a word on blessings, and curses! They are real people! Both. I've realized somethings that were in my family passed down. The great thing is that God tells us we can stop it here! We can be the ones to end the curse and start the blessing. Ok , so this topic is enormous and I'm sure there will be people who don't agree, but if you would like to talk about it, you can IM me or leave some comments.
So, I'm not going to go on much more, just wanted to say that I've been following Erica's progress in the hospital, and she will be having surgery on both her feet, the left is being reconstructed, and the right is being amputated to the knee. She is in good spirits and is now able to speak. Please continue to pray for our sister, that she may have the peace of God and comfort through all this, and that her surgery would go well. God has made her a real trooper! Praise God for her life. :)

Some lyrics from a good song-

FFH - One of These Days

One of these I'm gonna fly
Over the mountain
One of theses days I'm gonna ride
On the silver lining
One of these days I'm gonna witness
All I've been missing
One of these days

One of these days I'm gonna do
All the things I've never done
I'm gonna finish all the races
That I've run but I've never won
I'm gonna see a million faces
And recognize every one
One of these days

(Chorus)

One of these days
I'm gonna see the hands
that took the nails for me
One of these days
I'm gonna hold the keys
to the mansion built for me
One of these days
I'm gonna walk the streets of gold
that were paved for me
One of these days
I'm gonna see my Savior face to face
One of these days

One of these days I'm gonna see
Just what became of me
On the day that I believed
And you took myself from me
And I believe that I will see
What I'd have been if you didn't save me
One of these days

One of these days I'm gonna talk
With all the saints that have gone before
In their sandals I will walk
And we will sit upon the shore
And I will learn all the things
That I never knew before
All this and more

(Repeat Chorus)

One of these days I'm gonna be
In a place where there's no more need
No more pain and no more grief
No more foolish disbelief
Ah the joy that there will be
When at last we finally see
One of these days

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm gonna see my Jesus face to face
One of these days

-Jules

Another day :)

2005-05-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Lord has been working in some powerful ways over the past I don't know, 18 years, and I just wanted to give him a shout out! Praise the LOrd! Hallelujia!
Yesterday was another awesome day. I watched little kitties, and I'm setting up a program for them everyday. I figure I should be a productive nanny :) The day just seemed so long though, and we have church every Tuesday, and I was not feeling up to par. I felt like I had been out of touch with the Lord for almost the whole day, and it was draining! Shock! Surprise! Utter disbelief right? lol..yes, well, I went to church anyhow with my family. One of the reasons I did not want to go, was because of my family actually. You see, my parents, they don't get along so well. The car is prime time for smack talking and somehow I'm put in the middle of this- well, this isn't new, but for those of you who don't know me that well, it has been part of my life, for the majority of my life. Whether it was my mom and father, or my mom and step-dad, I always seem to get stuck in the middle of these things, forced to choose sides- that sort of thing. I wasn't so good at handling this before, but I've been trying to with God's help, which surpasses all of course. I think for the longest time though, it was hard to grasp the power that I have in Christ, and how much He wants to comfort me, no matter what the situation. Anyhow, so, amidst the smack talk, I started praying, and wondered, what do I do in a situation like this? My parents, both Christians, are not acting very "Christian" like, so how do I respond, without ursurpping my place as their child, or being disobedient/disrespectful. I am just not sure. If I choose a side, I lose; if I stay silent, I lose, and it isn't even about me!

Sometimes, I want to scream at them, and say, "Don't you see what you are doing!?!" I don't suppose that would help much though. I do for them the only thing I can- pray. At times I feel as though it might be hopeless, and that they shouldn't be together, but who am I to destroy the sanctity of marriage? It is God's plan for them to be married-divorce doesn't factor in. I guess aftering seeing my mom and father the first round, I feel like they should just step out of the boxing ring and give up. What about compromise? What about counseling in the church? Do I just want them to give up? Of course not. But, they won't even try those other things. It drives me nuts to see 2 people living together in unreconcilation. And then I wonder, what will my household look like one day? I pray that I might not be like that. I want to be a crown on my husbands head, bring him good not harm all the days of his life, and I want us to love each other with a selfless love, God first, then us. I don't want to argue! I won't. I want to work things out and talk about them, because I love the other person. I can't help wondering though. Let's just say it is something God and I are having a little discussion about :) haha. I guess that's one of the many reasons of why I'm waiting on a relationship as well. I want God to form me, mold me, and shape my character to be a good wife one day. Yes, so,...where do I go from there eh? haha,

Ok, so we went to church, and God blessed me immensely through the sermon and worship. He spoke to me- in such a clear voice, that I experienced the satisfaction that only one aware of what His being means to us as sinful humans can fathom. I felt at home. I don't think there's much more I can say than that. Kind of abrupt, but I could go on forever. :) God Bless you tonight! :) ....z..z.z..z.z...zzzzzzz
-Jules

General to Specific...

2005-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

So, here are some details of the past few days...
-Tons of prayer!
- My mom telling me it's ok that she saw me naked when I was a little girl- don't ask
-playing basketball with my little brother and Josh Matz :)
-learning self-control
-I'm going to be a nanny of 4 children, ages 2-8, 2 girls, 2 boys,for 10 hrs a day, 5 days a week :) yea!!! I'm gonna have some practice for being a mommy when I get a bit older. Children--God's precious, wonderful gifts to us.
-figuring out how to be a Christian in situations where your parents are obviously doing something not-Christian like- anyone have any advice?
-I am easily amused at home.
-The Lord is faithful!! I prayed for a job here when I came home, and he has provided me with a wonderful one.
-After running a mile on my highschool's track, I realized that I'm a bit dusty...haha
-Being disciplined is every bit as hard, and harder than what I thought it would be.
=We fight against principalities of darkness that are unseen- but I find that many christians don't believe this, or the forms that such things manifest themselves.
-New shoes that get dirty = quite depressing :) haha
-Unpacking from college is much harder than packing for college
-Driving in traffic can be fun if you have someone to do it with.
-It's hard to feel that your home church is your home church when you live at college for 8 months and at home for only 4.
-Fellowship during summer = important
May God bless ya tonight...and if you should have any prayer requests, email them to me at jbinkow2@uiuc.edu :)
-Jules

We all fall like a million rain drops...:)

2005-05-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ah...so much to say. Finals week was awesome-not my grades in particular, but the peace I had from God during that week. Then there was Chapter Focus Week(CFW)...What can I say about such a week? It was beautiful,absolutely life-changing, a week that only God can provide me with. The fellowship, meeting with God in every sense, every day- what more could I want? It wasn't all happy happy joy joy though. The sort of pain/suffering there was one that was quite unexpected. I'm glad He used it though. He's blessed me beyond any measure. I had to say goodbye to friends that I had made just this year. That in itself was painful. What was more painful was how some of them didn't know the extent of what they've done in my life, or what they've meant to me.
Since it's 10:41, it means it is late for me:) haha, I don't know why, but I think that I'm gonna need some sleep this summer ( perhaps because I'll be a nanny?) :)...So, I'll be writing what I've been learning in full context over the next couple of days. Right now, I just need to express how difficult it is being at home. I guess it is a combination of family, friends, and confusion. Confusion. I am confused often- over many things. I'm praying for clarity. I know that God will answer this prayer. Prayer is a good thing..use it often :) I'm generally realizing that this summer might be a good time to teach me to be joyful even in suffering. All this is so vague.hmm...sort of makes me sick. If I read it, I'd be like, will you just say something concrete!?! Well, not right now. I will later. I need to get the general idea of things before I actually get to the bone.
Hey, if you can take time, pray for me this summer. In general, I'll be needing his strength. Oh, and guess what I realized today?! I am a FRIEND of GoD!! :) I'm so random..haha. If you've been reading this, I hope you don't think it is going to get any better from here on out. I'm here to please only one- J-E-S-U-S :) lol..ah, I love that guy...he's a cool dude. Night all!!!
-Jules

Today

2005-05-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up to this powerhouse of construction outside Barton...next to my room wonderfully :) And guess what!?! It didn't bother me a bit. So, I went to breakfast all by my wee self and I was just so...happy. I didn't know why, but just sitting there eating my blueberry pancakes (delicious btw..if you haven't been to breakfast, get your but up and come w/me!!!) I felt like a huge burden had been lifted. And all of a sudden it hit me, that God had done something fantasically amazing that night. He lifted off some huge things I had been dealing with. It all sort of revolved around 2 people. The first was a guy. I think that I had sort of had a little infatuation w/him...and yet I was in the biggest denial ever, Sad. :) haha, but true. I realized how this was just like idolizing or putting someone before God. And I kept asking myself why I couldn't just treat this person like my brother in Christ? What was it that kept me from being just regular Julia around him? So I prayed about it... a lot..and voila!!! This morning, I was elated at this burden being lifted off me. I though of this person and somethings I had found out which made me somewhat jealous. I tested my thoughts..and nothing. I thought of him as my brother. All I could really think about was how God has opened my eyes, and how faithful he is in every circumstance. :) I am truly happy to be single right now. Yay!! ...some of you out ther might believe me to be crazy..that's ok. OH! and in refernce to the poem I posted. I do not believe that all men just want a woman to do their laundry and cook their food. If this is what you got, it it completely off base I believe. what it is saying for me at least, is that I need that man, who will be a Godly man-not just the other stuff. Are my standards as high as that poems? You betcha! I won't settle for less. And I really am not sorry if that offends anyone. But, notice this...
I require all things that are grand and true
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

And I would. :) I believe in the biblical roles God has assigned women..and I especially belive in this :)

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant's ship; she brings her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She watches for bargains; her lights burn late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household because all of them have warm clothes. She quilts her own bedspreads. She dresses like royalty in gowns of finest cloth. Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council meeting with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 'There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!' Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise." -Proverbs 31:10-31
-Craisin

A Woman's Question

2005-05-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life-
And a woman's wonderful love

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And Say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be worn that way.
-Lena Lathrop

Comments? I'd like to know what you think...:) Personally, all I have to say is Amen. :)

New thoughts :)

2005-05-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sick. Yes, horrible you say! I say it's about time. I haven't been sick for about 2-3 weeks, I knew it was coming some time soon. It is sort of a regular pattern for me. Why? I cannot say. Does God use my sickness to teach me things? That's almost positively yes. :)
So, here are some realizations about myself- I'm just going to list them off..random, but this is the way my mind works-scary?Yes.
-I'm incredibly shallow at times
-I like discipline
-I need challenges(thanks Nell'e)
-I would one day like to get married-I think
-I don't say thank you nearly enough
-I complain- a lot
-I love a lot
-God is continually transforming me
-roommates are fun
-Christ not just THE MAN, HE IS KING, and he has A KINGDOM I'm apart of
-I'm jealous at times
-smiling is good
-love, what can I say
-men are peculiar, and it doesn't matter if they are your brother,friend, father, or boyfriend/fiancee/husband
-women are strange beings who definitely cannot live w/out each other:)
-I like my bubble, I want to stay in the bubble, and all I ask is that no one wink, bump into, or try to invade it :) (again,Nell'e thank you)
-we treat are families like crap sometimes
-seeing God work in lives of people you do not expect him to work in is Jawesome
-life is fast; one day it's a white veil, the next it's white hair
-there is only one person that can truly satisfy you b/c he is perfect- JESUS
-every family is like a tree, it's branches are tossed around by the wind, it has the potential to grow, but it also has the potential to be broken ;it is ever changing in each season (bad analogy? maybe ...haah)
Anyhow, that's all for now. :)
-Craisin

sittin' on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere....continued

2005-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Just need to let you know that the MOvie Michael is one you should definitely see :)
Artist: Andie MacDowell Lyrics
Song: Sittin' by the Side of the Road Lyrics

Sittin' by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere
I don't know where I'm goin' but I hope I know it when I get there.
Thinking about how love never works out,
but I guess that's the way it goes
And how this story ends, only heaven knows.

I always thought there was an angel watchin' over me
But angels sometimes make mistakes, as you will see
'cause I've had my share of bad love affairs,
in fact, I married three.
So here's my little story about Miles, Ralph and Bradley

Miles made me smile 'til he stole my Camaro
Ralph made me laugh 'til I cried
And Bradley, oh, I loved him madly
but his tires were bald, and they went flat
so did our love and that was that.

Now I'm sittin' in the middle of nowhere by the side of the road
One of these days I'll find true love,
learn how to say 'No'.
I know in the past my love didn't last
as I guess this story shows
Where was my angel then? Only heaven knows.
-Great song :)

sittin' on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

2005-04-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Another sleepless night..eh, I wasn't expecting it to be restful, b/c of the cold, and the nausea, but, I did have some crazy dreams...which always seem to accompany you on those nights you know will be neverending, with you looking over to the clock every hour or so just to make sure that yes, you really did just have that dream, and yes, you are awake, once again. I'm not sure what is more frustrating the lack of sleep, or the dreams. The dreams are confusing, and weird, always going back to one thing. I feel so uncertain about them, yet, I know that some of those dreams just reveal what I can't say. That's a little vague eh? ...haha, well, if you want more, you have to talk to me. ONe thing I will say, redundant no doubt, but I need to let it out nevertheless...Guys are confusing. Or maybe it is just me? When I look at the selfless love that Jesus gave to us, it just blows me away. And then I look to the beginning of the Bible and read Genesis..actually I was talking w/my oldest breother Chris about this. Why did God feel that it was not good for man to be alone? What a question eh? I don't know the answer, I mean, I guess I could infer, but it's one of those things that quite frankly bothers me. That being said, I've just taken a shower, and need to dress..catch some lunch w/a good friend, and work :)
-Jules

so.......

2005-04-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

So, I've realized more stuff this weekend. More that God reveals to me each day. What a blessing. Whether it is good or bad, I will praise Him for it all. There is just no comparison to the joy that I have in the presence of the Lord. There is so much to that, but I'm tired and stuff...haha. Someone told me today that my posts are sad...or at least make them feel sad. That made me think. Mostly, I found out that I'm just honest about my feelings. I am joyful with all my brothers and sisters, and really love laughter-a gift I believe from God. But, life, is not at all easy at times, and I think that more than anything lets me know that I can trust and rely on God to lead me through. When I'm happy, yes, I praise God for the blessings he has bestowed on me, but in my own suffering of certain things, I think I can help bring comfort to others. God brings me closer time and time again. But yeah, I dunno. Hmm...I think I'm learning more also about the personality that God has given me, and the character he is shaping. It's a process...:) Anyhow, can't wait until CFW(Chapter Focus Week). It's gonna be zamzummin! :) lol...yes indeedy...I like road trips. I could drive for hours and be happy...just looking at God's creation. Hey, if places on earth are so beautiful, can you imagine heaven? hmm...I wonder if this applies to food as well...haha, j/k. but yeah, imagine the best ice cream EVER, w/an angel flying with one of those carts w/a bell..zing zing*insert Yankish accent* "GETCHA ICE CREAM, GETCHA ICE CREAM!"...haha,j/k...but that would be coo. Anyhow, time for major sleep...hey, sometimes I wonder if people read this...if you are, can you give me a holla? Alright, well, time for an sudafed and NyQuil...:) night world..sleep peacefully..
-Jules

Scratching the surface....

2005-04-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

So, I went on a camping trip this weekend w/my fellow brothers and sisters. It was a great time. I'm usually an outdorsy sort of girl, but, I found out how out of shape I actually am...I guess this means exercise :) I think it has been one of the best time I've had. I really enjoyed seeing and feeling God's presence through the beautiful and peacefully flowing river, the immense amount of green surrounding me, and the water falls.
Sidenote:Brian-my small group leader, jumped into the waterfall-He's awesome :) haha
Anyhow, I found out how much I will actually miss those seniors who have taught me-a little ol' freshman- just how much God loves me, and works through my family in Christ.
I am an emotional wreck at times, and I think that the weekend helped the manifestation of the upcoming tearfest.
Today I found out that my 2nd oldest brother, Mike (in CA-Air Force) was in a major car accident. So that started it. He came out, miraculously without any major injury, even though the car was crashed. So, anyways..When I called him, I started talking about God's purpose and plan for him, which just upset him further. I think that one thing God is definitely putting on my heart, is to show love in more abundance. I can be overbearing at times, as I'm sure some people have noticed :) I just don't want it to push people away from God-in specific my family. We are all together sort of overbearing, and it makes you realize just how much your character needs work. I think that after something like this, I truly understand what it means to lean on Christ fully(like a certain someone was saying at our campfire). I don't know how much I say will affect my brother, but I know that it isn't my job to change him, it's my job to love him.

I realized how unexpectantly things can happen-or things can affect others. For example, this morning at our campsite, one camper drove up and expressed gratitude for seeing our love for Christ. The Lord works in mysterious ways? His ways are not ours? Definitely. I can take comfort in that. :)

-Craisin

Beautiful

2005-04-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know how the Lord puts up w/me sometimes, but he does, and for that, I say WOW! Thanks. I really feel ungrateful sometimes for all the things that happen to me and I receive. Sometimes you feel like you're carrying that yoke by yourself.

Today, I was at Small Group, and I was almost in tears. Not tears of sadness, but of....joy..maybe, I'm not really sure. I could just feel His presence so strongly, reminding me of His love for me and quite simply put, there is no better way to describe it than this:

Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamedhe was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path ofhis life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the verylowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
"The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Thank you friends, my brothers and sisters, for also helping me w/my yoke. I love you all.
-Craisin

Rollercoast-a ride I will never forget

2005-04-04T02:12:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been struggling. Struggling with school. Struggling with family. Struggling with my thoughts of how to serve the Lord. The past couple of days have been crazy. I found out something about my brother and his wife-problems are not unusual, but there is something much more serious on the brink, and I have a feeling there will only be pain and suffering. You see, Chris is 29, one of my two older brothers. He has always questioned my faith and why it is I have handed my life over. He's a skeptic to the bone, which I am thankful for. The Lord has taught me many things through him-least of which is witnessing. He know turns to God in this rough time, and I pray that this may not be a momentary thing. We all go through these crazy, hopeless, down-troden days, where you feel like the world is taking you on one heck of a ride. A rollercoaster. Only the Lord knows his purpose in all this suffering. Perhaps, something good will come from this. I pray for this. Will you pray for him too?

On the other hand the ILLINI ARE OUTSTANDING>!! I love our team, and praise God for Roger Powell and his witness to the world about his Love for our Lord, and how we should not forget that all glory and praise goes back to him.

I feel like I need more of God, more of Jesus in my life all the time. Everytime I fall away, he picks me up. Today we were at Kimmy's Baptism at TCBC. Let me tell you in a word, it was amazing. I was overjoyed by what the Lord has done in so many lives (I cried like a baby :)haha...I thank God for that woman. What a wonderful sister he has given me. I really thank God for all the women in IV. Only God could bestow such a wonderful blessing on my heart. They are answers to my prayers. So are the men. I love my brothers, even though at times, I can truly say that I know what it is like to be around testotorone overload...lol :)

Right now, I just need to pray that I may be faithful to the Lord- obedient in all things. It's hard. I want so much to grow and be that example for others in my youth as Timothy says, and I think I need to remind myself that as Christians we are examples. I need to love others more. I want to care about the weak, oppressed, rejected, even those whom I share a dislike for. I need the love of Christ to shine through. Right now, I think I'm snapshots of that brilliance that lies on the road ahead, waiting for it to consume me and for me to hold on to that brilliance-it is after all, the only thing that is eternal.
-Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, And a light unto my path.
Pslam 119:105
-Craisin

A Walk of Faith

2005-03-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

Listening to: Walk by Faith-Jeremy Camp
Some days seem so overwhelming, as if by their shear weight, they could crush you. I feel like I should be drowning in my own tears, yet I cannot shed one. Do you ever feel like that? Still, my Lord is here and he has taken the burden on his own shoulders. He will be crushed to save me. He will shed the tears that won't come from my eyes. I realized that when I have no answers and just slump my shoulders to say, "I don't know why this is happening to me Lord,", I don't have see an answer, I see Jesus. I see him on the cross, all alone. I see him taunted, spit at, scourged, beaten, and whipped. I see him share suffering that wasn't his. When I falter, he carries me. Lord help me! I love you and thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for your suffering. Thank you for doing something you didn't have to. Most of all, thank you for forgiving me. And now, let me learn to do the same. Let me walk by faith.

Walk by Faith:
Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath
You make me new
Your grace covers all I do yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith I will,
I will, I will walk by faith

Craisin

2005-03-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't updated in awhile. I guess today is as good a day as any other. Satan was really trying to attack me today. We were going to go out into the Union and talk to people about our faith and where they were on their spiritual journey..or if they had even believed there was one. I think that the thing that has me the most upset is that I feel like I didn't adequately share my faith. Praise God that He works through Bryan so well. I know I shouldn't feel as if I have failed, because it is the Holy Spirit that works not me, but I still feel some of that. I just don't know.

We talked with two girls today. One who was just really questioning God and beliefs in general. I think I was saddened today by all that. I just want to cry because so many people are lost...and I used to be there. I was stubborn and wanting to live away from God...do my own thing. Then I recognized he was knocking at my door for quite a while,and I had been ignoring him. I know that crying isn't very good at solving anything, yet I feel like I need to open that floodgate. Sometimes having a good cry is lifting. God created our emotions and personality. He created me emotional...haha...:)

It is difficult to see the good of some things when we are so limited and our scope is skewed, but I've learned to trust God-he sees it all, and surely he knows the best things for me.

I have so many thoughts running through my head about so many things. School and where my life is going. Guys. Serving the Lord as a single woman. Friendship with women-my sisters. Friendship with men-as my brothers. Family. Marriage. Careers. I'm so torn in so many directions. I just yearn to be in the heavenly dwelling that God has made for us. I really want to be with him above all. But I know that he has a purpose for me to fulfill here. Is it selfish for me to want him to come sooner? I don't know. He did say that it is not for us to know the time or the place. So, I continue on this journey. I want to be joyful always as it says in Thessalonians...but I realize now how hard this is. I know now how hard it is to realize that no one here on earth can completely understand you and how you feel-only Jesus can.

About family-I wish they could all get along, I wish they would all come to have a personal relationship with our Lord. About women friendships-I wish there were more women willing to put themselves on the line and jump forward with each other in their journeys. About friendships with men-I wish they weren't so confusing at times. About marriage-I wish I knew who it was going to be and when. About my job-I wish I was already there. About the conversations I've had with a couple of guys- I wish I knew the reasons for God placing this in my life now, and if I could have known about it before people told me.
But wishing gets me no where. I think I will pray. Pray that I will trust God with everything in my life and more. That He should take care of it. He is my comforter, my peace-and I pray that he may be with me even when I'm like this.
-Craisin

What a day...so far..

2005-02-26T12:32:00.000-08:00

So, I woke up at 7:00am...that isn't unusual as of late. Still can't speak. My voice is almost completely gone, and when I do speak, I don't sound human...lol...I called home again today, and the conversation went a little something like this(Peter is my 13 yr. old brother):
Me:Hey Peter
Peter: Who is this?
Me: It's me Julia.
Peter: Yeah, ok, who are you really.
Me:Peter, it's me!
Peter: Look, I don't know who you are, but you're definitely not my sister.
Me: Yes I am.
Peter: Stop playing around, seriously, who's calling.

I could see this was going no where.
So, I picked up the pictures that I brought to college, and decided, today is good day to organize them-put them away in an album and such...Who knew this could be so difficult. First, you start looking at the pictures...aww...weren't those the days. Then you start getting to the pictures of yourself in the transition period. Ok, now if you know me, you know that I am not a fan of taking pictures. There is usually someone, lets call them the picture-taking-addict/camera stalker,who always who's always on the hunt- cameraphobics abhor this. They say that they just want a picture, "What about memories?" they say slyly, "Just this once, just for me?". What they really mean is, look, I bought this 300$ technologically advanced thingy that has vibrant color, 6.2 megapixels,3-inch, fully articulated LCD monitor with touch-pad capability, 256MB of onboard memory, with SD slot for additional storage, and a flash. Now, if I want a "capture you at your worst moment" picture that makes you look 10lbs heavier, you better believe I'm gonna get it.
I still love you camera freaks, I just can't abide by that bully attitude though.
Getting back to my point? Never let a picture taking addict hussle you into their schemes..it always ends up bad-the proof is in the picture. :)
-Craisin

Wake up and Smell the LORD!

2005-02-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

Listening To: You're Everything -PlanetShakers
So, I'm not feeling well. lol...but what can I say? I've not much to complain about, especially since there are so many people who suffer so much worse than me. Philippians 4:6 says, "Don't worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ."
We went to all campus worship today. It was awesome. I love the Lord, and I think I can focus on him the most when I am around less people, which is why I loved the encore. The guy who spoke, really spoke to my heart. I think God was nudging me there:) I also thought about what it truly means to be a Christian.
THE big thing I believe, is once you accept Christ, you have to let him have you, not just part of the way, all the way. It's called lordship. We are new creations in Christ. So, I was thinking about this. And then after worship ended, we went back to watch a movie. Now mind you, there are some good clean movies out there. The one we watched though, uh....no. I mean, I couldn't watch it without being convicted by the Holy Spirit. What does that mean? Should I stop watching movies? Maybe. The majority don't help me grow in my relationship with God. Now I'm thinking-hey, I want to be serious, if God has truly changed me, then I am no longer interested in the things that go against Him or His Word.
Crazy, you say? Am I being too strict? I don't think so. At least, not for me. I realized this yesterday, when a friend came to talk about people who call themselves, "Christians," but do otherwise. What if not our actions reflect that we are Christians? I seriously think that if someone knows you are a Christian, they know you are different. Doesn't mean you aren't with non-Christians...Christians need to engage with non-Christians all the time:). But we have to be that aroma no?
What does it mean? God has called us to be set apart. His word says that we should be living "holy, godly lives"2peter 3:11. "You must live in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ, as citizens of heaven."Phili 1:27, 2 Corinth 6 also, I mean it goes on and on....
This for me, is a strong test of faith. I can't speak for others, but I can speak for myself. Is that too much to ask? Not according to the Good Word. All I know is this. Tonight the Holy Spirit was definitely being like, you shouldn't watch this, and I sat there, and did. Now, some believe it teaches things, to watch movies like that. So, I mulled over this a bit..teach something? Oh, like not to do whatever's happening, eh? haha...I found it kind of funny. Just being honest with myself, I don't think that it really teaches me anything. I already know what is out there in this world. We sang the lyrics today,"this world has nothing for me"-so true. Romans 12:2 says something really good about this. I truly know what it is like to long to be home in heaven with the Three in One. But as long as God has put me here to serve him, I will try to build up his Kingdom and love others with all the love he has given me.
You know who I think was a great teacher?that's right, my main man JC.
So, next the Holy Spirit is like, this isn't right, I'm gonna get my booty off the whatever I'm sitting on:), and go. I know that I can trust Him to tell me what is right and then I will never go wrong. For now, I hope that he will continue to grow me closer to him, so that I can be a more obedient child of the one who calls himself Yahweh.:)
-Craisin

Super Sunday

2005-02-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

Listening to: I Still Believe : Jeremy Camp
Haven't written anything in a while...so it's time to keep the peeps up to date.
Well, this weekend was in a word, awesome. Yesterday I went with Deepak to this Christian Korean woman's house. There was a gathering of Christians there just for prayer and stuff. We had some mighty awesome Korean food and prayer was good. It is interesting where God takes you in life. I never expected to be sitting with 7 Koreans, Deepak, two of his friends and like ten little kids running around...all while praying. Ok, so I over use the word amazing, but God is amazing. He reveals so much every single day. I came back and truly realized that HE transcends all culture, all people. How amazing!
After that I went over w/Blake to Baker's Square to eat a slab of lard...haha..well, I think cheesburgers can be at times the worst lard there is for you. It went down well though. There were times were I was laughing so hard it was difficult to keep my food in my mouth though. Blake=silly man:) I mean it in a good way.
He was telling me his horrible eating habits and how he eats practically nothing...I guess apartments can do this to you? So, I took em' to late night, and we got him the healthiest choices..chocolate chip pop tarts. Ah! Seriously...everwhere I go there is chocolate. I gave it up for Lent, so, everytime I see it I cringe. I didn't realize I had an addiction until I gave it up. Getting back to the story...We hopped to Snyder to play some hearts w/the Snyderites...Ok, so one thing I have definitely come to a conclusion about-I can't win at any card game. I suck. There, I finally said it! I can't even shuffle...which I find pathetic, but it is on my list of lessons that I need. Some day I'll school em' all. At least I can play Mafia really well...:)

I came back and talked to my brother Mike from California. So, here are his stats: 22, in Air Force, dark hair, eyes, and like 6ft.
So, I talked w/him quite a while. He talked about maybe not coming back, but going overseas to live. It upset me. I haven't seen him in over a year. We used to be close. He tells me I've changed. I have. God is number one in my life now. I try to talk about that. I think he needs him desperately. He doesn't want to hear it. He said something that I've never thought about, but it's true. He said that we are constantly surprised when something changes ,but things are changing all the time.I guess I never thought of it that way. Right now, I'm praying for him. He makes fun about me being a Christian. See, we were raised Catholic. Not there is something wrong with Catholicism,but the majority of Catholics don't understand there own faith, and aren't taught much about it. He gives me a tough time, contemplating whether all my acts are Christian, and asking me why I've become so good. I've tried to explain over and over, but it seems as if the more willing I am to explain, the less willing he is to listen. Just pray for him. God works in his ways...so, I'm trusting him.
For now...I'm out:)
-Craisin

V-day

2005-02-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day. Great;) It's not that I'm exactly spiteful of this day, I mean, I've even grown to be apathetic about it. What I know this year that is different from every other one is that I don't need the love of a guy to fulfill me, b/c I have the love of Christ. Holla! haha..Though I can't say I'm proud of what I'm wearing ( a pink shirt w/ridiculous hearts all over them).
My mom did give it to me though, and when I saw the smile on her face as she gave it to me and as she asked the inevitable question that all moms ask, "Do you like it?", what was I supposed to say? I knew that I couldn't throw it out-what if she asked me about it one day? Like, "Oh, remember that one shirt I gave you 5 years ago? Do you still have it?" Haha...oh, my mom...I love her.

I must say though, it is a real blessing to see couples who have grown closer together and more importantly, closer to God through their relationship(i.e., a certain K and J relationship:). I can't wait until the day that I meet the man who loves God more than he loves me. I trust that the good Lord will bring to him, but for now, He's directed me to serving him as a single woman. Praise Him for showing me what a blessing being single is!

I used to like every guy I came across that was kind, Christian, and cute. Well, I was confused..and boy crazed:). I read these books by Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl) that completely changed my thinking on these topics. So, if you should ever get the chance to, go out, read the books. I think this is what's called free advertising..haha...

Speaking of advertising...I'm still trying to advertise the amazing Julia and her wonderful skills for a job. It's harder than I thought, getting one here on campus. But, I'm leaving it up to God, and his will for me.Note: another thing I've learned-you have turn over the deeds to your house to God.:) Go Meta!

Well, that was one thing I got from Meta 05'. Second, an adventure with Mike, Brent, Eric, and Emily. What a great time! God was really working through us there. He's given me such a great family of Christians-more than I could have ever asked for.
Well...must do some hw...I believe it is time for that.
I'm out-
Craisin
(for those of you who don't know...it's my name..haha!:)